After years and sometimes decades of trying to improve things in their marriages, they decided to look elsewhere. That doesn't mean that women who cheat are always looking to save their primary partnership.
Sometimes, it's the opposite: "One of the main reasons women cheat is to blow up a relationship that makes them feel trapped in some way," says Charlynn Ruan, Ph. The woman tries to make changes, to get their partner to do couples therapy, or push their partner to grow or meet them more emotionally, but when the woman doesn't succeed in these attempts, cheating gives a reason for their partner to leave them. This often comes with a lot of guilt, Dr. Ruan adds.
There is something wrong with me,'" she says. In heterosexual couples, research shows that women are much more likely than men to initiate divorce, and are happier after divorce than men.
But, for women who struggle with guilt over leaving a partner, feel like he needs her, and don't feel their own happiness is enough justification to reach escape velocity in their relationship, cheating gives them a way out. Or, even if she's not ready to leave, she might act out because she has what psychologists call an "insecure attachment" style. The good news is these issues are fix-able.
We work really hard with people who have an insecure attachment style to find other ways of responding and ways of regulating strong emotions. If you feel your relationship is off track and your partner may be contemplating or starting an affair, there are certain clues you can keep an eye out for. Having lots of random coffee dates or meetings with people you've never heard of or never met is also a clue. But I was concerned about my children.
I was just looking in the mirror and realising I was getting older and older every day. I had settled into a routine. At the time, my husband was having some difficulties with work and mental illness. He was pulling away and dumping all the problems on me.
It got to the point where I felt I could handle everything: the bills, the investment accounts. I could handle all that. I thought there had to be someone out there who could have a conversation with me, who found me attractive, who was missing what I was. I started going on dates.
My husband and I got a divorce. We could not solve our problems. I talked to him, before, about an open marriage. He became a totally different person.
The person I lived with was not the person I got married to. I became severely depressed. There was no one but me to do anything and everything. I decided there had to be some outlet for me. I went on Ashley Madison. I started just going on simple dates; it was fun. But then I met someone. He has no memory at all.
I grieved the loss of my marriage. The loss of my husband. The loss of the life that I had. The life that I thought I was going to have as I got older. It took me quite a while to accept that. When someone is cheating, the intimacy you have will seem to fade. They probably are rejecting you in the bedroom and you feel like there is no longer a sexual connection between you.
You have no sex life at all. If this becomes a prominent problem, then it may mean that your partner is cheating. I literally saw an opportunity and took advantage of it. The concept of a cheating wife contrasts a lot with what our culture tells us about women. To many, the thought triggers stronger reactions than that of a cheating man, which is more expected based on historical norms. Given the emotional and financial tolls of cheating, not to mention their impact on children, which is bigger still rethinking our preconceptions about female infidelity is only the beginning.
Open minds are important, but when it comes to preventing infidelity, communication is paramount. All relationships need to begin with honest conversations about sex, preferably before marriage. A lot of the women Walker interviewed said that when they talked freely about their fantasies or desires to their husbands, they were met with disgust that made them feel ashamed. Cheating presented them with an opportunity to feel validated and accepted.
In conducting her research, Walker was surprised to also learn that a lot of the women that she interviewed were interested in the prospect of an open marriage. Walker also discovered that most cheating wives see the act as an exercise in power.
Old-fashioned chivalry feeds into socially accepted norms that can put women into subordinate roles early on in the relationship. For women who cheat, infidelity can feel like a means of taking back that power. In the end, attentiveness is the key.
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